Jumping on the ban-wagon

(Authoritarian mode on)

Seeing as New Labour seem intent on banning everything for no reason apart from it annoying a few purists, and then spouting some drivel that sounds like it could be scientific I'd like to propose that the Government bans something I don't like...football.

I can't stand football. A mind-numbingly boring game played by "men" who happen to be very good at kicking around a ball between themselves. So good in fact, they get paid crazy amounts of money to do it. How do they finance this "beautiful game"? Through millions of fans. I can understand why other people like it, it seems to be a tribal thing. Tribes battling each other without the need for swords and spears, rather points in a table. But it doesn't matter that other people like it, I don't like it. And I don't want to just not watch it, which might seem a very sensible idea and one I've followed all my life so far, no, I want all those fans to conform to my ideals. Because I'm right, they're wrong.

In true New Labour fashion I can also make up some health/safety/social reasons for why this ban would be a good thing:

- no more football hooliganism; studies (financed by the association of rugby) have shown that upto 38.63% of the general population have been affected in some way by football hooliganism or second-hand hooliganism (seeing it on the TV and feeling a bit annoyed)
- less heart problems; a study has shown that exceeding your weekly allowance of 3 minutes (2 minutes for women) viewing of football per day (saving up your minutes for a full 90-minute game per month - also known as binging - is very bad for you and will definitely kill you sometime next week) can seriously affect your health, i.e. raised blood pressure, increased heart rate - also known as getting excited about something. It should be noted that these "football units" are definitely based on real science and have NOT been arbitrarily typed up just now...
- there is a proven link that all football supporters abuse children in their basement and that millions of children would be saved through this ban.
- footballers themselves are being exploited. Football clubs are really criminal organisations that smuggle foreign men in to Britain every year and force them to perform in front of thousands of adoring men on a field with very sharp blades of grass.
- people who watch football are right-wing/racist/BNP/terrorists/...

I think I've made a good case there. I look forward to pictures of torn cruciate ligaments shown before games on Sky Sports from now on...

(Authoritarian mode off)

Thank Gordon we live in a truly liberal society and we don't have to put up with this kind of attitude in reality. Er, wait a minute...

GB